Advice of great interest in the event of terror attacks from official local Government sources leaked to us.

Rule No 1: Remain calm. I favour Johnny Walker whiskey as a calmer, others use mediation and yoga and prozac. A couple of quick shots of the old liquid refreshment sets me up for the day and helps build up my anger against terror and fear.

Be Aware!!!!!

Rule No 2: Be aware at all times of terror alerts. Treat each day as a possible nuclear dirty bomb attack etc. For instance you can designate Mondays as 'Nuclear Terror day' Tuesday as 'Biological Terror day' and Wednesdays as 'Chemical Attack day'.

Fear, Fear, Fear!!!!!

Rule No 3: feel fear! Fear is the key to fighting terror, a fearful population, jittery on caffeine and nicotine and 'on edge' and feeling 'chocker' and 'on top' can tackle the threat of terror. Stress helps keep the public aware of fear. Therefore we defeat the terrorists plan to strike fear into us. We're already wound up to the point were we accept the imminent danger of terrorist attacks at any place or time. We induce fear in ourselves; we foil the terrorist's evil plans and plots. We win, even if they kill us.

Eventualities in tackling terror

If you should ever find a 'suspect package', the steps to take are as follows

1: Do not alert people in the vicinity, this will cause panic.

2: Quietly position yourself near the suspect package, then, give it a good hard kick, you can pretend to have done this accidentally, in case the owner is nearby.

3: If nothing happens after kicking the package, you should pick it up, and shake it vigorously. If nothing happens, move to step 4.


4: After shaking the package vigorously, inform people nearby that you have found a suspicious package, shake it vigorously again whilst telling people in a loud authoritive voice "This is not a bomb, don't be afraid, I am not a terrorist, I am British" This will reassure people who will be relived that your actions have alerted them to what could be imminent death.

5: You can then open the package whilst alerting a passer by to phone the police and bomb squad. Do not attempt to pull out any wires if you find any explosives. If you are able to do so, try to get passers by to form a human shield around the immediate area, as this would cushion the explosion, perhaps saving nearby buildings and property. The police and authorities will be sure to congratulate you on your prompt and heroic actions.

Coming soon - How to infiltrate terror groups. We look at how to move in the shifty shadowy world of secretive international terrorism, then 'sting' them into buying nukes.

Back to Top