www.kirkbytimes.co.uk
Working Class Resistance
having a laugh

It's Only A Laugh

heh heh - thats funny


quack off


Steve Gerrard Racist

Gerrard has the word 'racist' on his football shirt

Kirkby Times can reveal that Liverpool and England football star Steve Gerrard has been accused of racism by several sources. The story is set to see the 'racism in football' row step up a pace with allegations which will rock the footballing world.

Gerald in sick return to slavery

spring onion farm

Dwayne Morely of Toxteth, Liverpool, claims that he was one of several local black men who have been targeted by Gerrard. "I'm just an ordinary bloke" he told Kirkby Times, "I was walking back from a night out in town, never scored no success with the ladies, which is unusual for me, it was an unlucky night, do you know warra mean? Anyway, this van pulls up and I was, like, carried off in captivity to some farm in Formby to pick spring onions". Dwayne continues "When I got to the farm, Gerrard was there and said that we were, like, his slaves", Dwayne adds that "At first I thought it was like some new scheme for the unemployed, but we never got paid, not even a bevvy or a smoke for the lads". After escaping by hiding under an outgoing delivery of sacks of spring onions, Dwayne eventually sought political asylum in Rainford, the first recorded case of a Liverpool born man to do so. A spokesman for Liverpool City Council told Kirkby Times that "We are acutely embarrassed by the revelations that Liverpool is host to slave farms run by racist footballers".

We bonded.

Dwayne sought legal advice from Liverpool 8 law society. "I'm gonna sue that Racist Gerrard now kidda" he assured our reporter. "I mean, there was no white lads on the farm, only the bosses, so that's like racist" Dwayne says he feels for the other lads left behind and makes a plea to our reporter "I just wanna, like, say, like, I feel for the lads left behind, they was like me brothers, I spent 5 long terrible days in captivity with them, and we like, bonded, we suffered injustices together, we sang '3 times a lady' together, we wept for what we was not getting off the ladies. It's like, I escaped, but Gerrards still got the rest of the lads working like slaves, and it's, like, racist. Do you know what I mean?"

Below, Dwayne at a recent Karaoke benefit gig sings his rendition of the all time classic, 'You're once, twice, three times a lady' Dwayne dedicates the song to 'all the ladies in the audience tonight who I haven't yet slept with'

Dwayne belts out the classic , once twice three times a lady

Black man dead from lack of 'good loving'

Dwayne also expressed a fear that one of his fellow 'slaves' captured by the racist slave master Gerrard, may have died. "One of the lads there was a real player with the ladies" he explained "He'd been in captivity for 15 days and had no action with the girls, he's a real ladies man, like me, and he told me he might not make it, that a black man may as well be dead than not have sex for a month, and that if I should ever get out, this brother told me I should tell the World that this man is suffering and could die through a lack of good loving off the ladies." Dwayne stopped, his hand visibly shaking as he made a clenched fist "This is an injustice on the black man of Toxteth, and Gerrard is a bad racist man for taking away the sexual rights of black men."

'Hitler worshipping scumbag'

Dave Redmond - an angry looking man

Another accuser is Dave Redmond, pictured above, editor of Everton FC Fanzine 'Liverpool FC are Shit', who claims that Gerrard is a 'Hitler worshipping scumbag'. Dave is busy typing out the latest issue of the fanzine, he takes off his glasses and informs us that "Steve Gerrard is a pure classic snide fascist, he has been that way since he was a kid, he is prejudiced against everyone, like all Liverpool players and supporters" Dave recalls an incident in 1998 when Steve Gerrard led an attack on a 87 yr old war hero wearing a poppy. The attack was carried out due to the old war hero having mentioned to Gerrard that he was 'proud of having fought Hitler'. Dave posed the question "What sort of snide can hit and beat an old war hero?", he answers his own question "Only a fu***** Liverpool player, only a dirty RED, cheating, snide, racist bas**** called Steve Gerrard" Dave also warned Liverpool supporters that they were getting 'too fu**ing big for their boots" and were 'bitter as hell about Evertons past Greatness". He finished off our interview by offering to personally punch 'anyone and everyone' who had said anything bad about Everton or those who defended the racist Gerrard.

Gerrard "the most ideologically driven Nazi in Britain"

A spokesperson for the 'Kirkby Left Wing Unity Movement Of A Few People For New Labour Corruption Against The Nazis' told Kirkby Times that "Gerrard may well be a leading light in the premier league, but beneath this seemingly innocuous exterior of footballing genius, is a man of extreme and calculated obsessive intense hatred. Over the past ten years, Gerrard has emerged as the most ideologically driven Nazis in Britain, preaching race war and terrorism to innocent school children."

Clubland Race Fears

An insider at a Liverpool nightclub told Kirkby Times that Gerrard would 'spend a good part of the evening giving out racist abuse to any black door staff'. One doorman who refused to be named out of fear for his families kneecaps spoke of an atmosphere of 'pure racist evil' when Gerrard and his entourage came into the club. "It was like Hitler was back" he told Kirkby Times.

The Verdict: The evidence is clear, its 100% crystal clear and Kirkby Times can say, without hesitation or fear of legal redress, that Gerrard should immediately be arrested charged and swiftly imprisoned without trial or forensic evidence under the incitement to racial slavery act of 1875. The police should torture him into confessing and the 1457 State Torture Act gives provision for such actions. The proof is overwhelming, you can practically smell it, and Gerrard must answer for his crimes. Kirkby Times is proud to take the torch of social justice and scorch this racist Gerard with the flames of human justice. Furthermore, who could blame us if we threw inflammable liquid on him and set fire to his racist ways with the aforementioned torch? Bob Marley once sang "We've got to chase those crazy baldheads out of town" He could almost have penned the tune after seeing the indignity of the black man of Toxteth suffering in the Gerrard spring onion farm of slavery and injustice. Public Enemy once sang "Fight the powers that be", they could have penned that tune upon hearing news of this latter day slave farm of shame. Let black and white unite against Gerard and all he stands for. As a sign of our disgust at this racist, Kirkby Times would appeal for all Liverpool fans to sing 'You'll never walk alone' just before the final whistle at the next home game. We also ask that you inquire from your greengrocer as to the source of his spring onions. Somewhere out there in the backwoods of Countryside and farming areas, if ever you may hear the mournful tones of the slaves singing 'once twice three times a lady', you may ask yourself 'is this justice?' You should also phone the police because it is most definitely not justice, it is racist slavery.

Coming Soon: Gerald the Sexist . A Liverpool Call Girl blows, amongst other things, the whistle on Gerrard's sexual behaviour in the past - "Rooney is a Gentleman compared to Gerrard" she stated, speaking from the Unhappy Miller public house. Given Wayne's idea of 'romancing the ladies' allegedly involves £140, 15 mins bending over in a damp bathroom in a half derelict house, and a few cans of Stella Artois, we can only wonder what Gerrard's approach moves are in the game of love. A quick knee trembler in the alleys behind Anfield for a pair of tickets for the next home game?

Coming later Gerard the Crack Dealer: How a Kirkby man phoned up a new dealer at 3 in the morning and discovered Greedy Gerrard, not content with raking in Millions in his football career, sneaking around selling crack cocaine to his own community. The Kirkby man who purchased the crack was disappointed at the purity level "It was crap" he claimed "Wayne Rooney does a better deal".

Coming after: Gerard the Serial Killer. There are people being found dead in Liverpool, London, Birmingham, Manchester and other places which all have one thing in common. Gerrards been there, and used the cover of playing football to do other things. If you're a drug dealing sexist sick fascist, how long is it before the call of the old serial killing demons lure you to commit crimes of murder? Is Gerrard a killer? Is he capable of cold blooded murder? We ask these questions and find answers - soon.

Back to Top

Having A Laugh and other True Stories.

Right Then Jobseekers!
Right then Job Seekers!

Got a Funny Story about being drunk?
beer stories - if you can remember them

North/South Devide: Are Scousers Funnier?
he's sad cos he's a Cockney

UFO Horror in Nwood!
ufo terror in northwood kirkby - stop it NOW!!!!!!!




















































































































































































































  All contents of this Web Site are copyright © 2003 Kirkby Times (www.kirkbytimes.co.uk). All rights reserved. No portion of this Web Site may be reproduced in any form, or by any means, without prior written permission from Kirkby Times.