8.00 am - Wake up - very rough night at the boozer last night - met a bloke
who wanted a new house extension building so he bought me 10 pints trying to persuade
me to tell my mates on the Planning Committee to let it go through - I get sick of
people thinking that I can be bribed for a few pints, he can pay cash like everyone
else, in a brown paper envelope. 10 pints is just customary for preliminary talks.
Once I'm watered and fed - I'm open to discuss money. Then and only then will we
discuss the crucial questions of how much. As Mr Keight always used to say "We
deserve the best - because we ARE the best" I wrote that one down, great
saying.
9.00am - Lying in bed still - Ate too much again last night,
the local restaurant needs longer licensing hours - so a few of us
Councillors stuffed our faces down there before we went the boozer.
Ate too many oysters though, I hate them really but they were expensive
and I have expensive tastes when spending others people money. As we say
in Council Chambers - 'It's better than fu**ing working for it' And why not?
10.00am - Decide to have a look at the internet, get my 1 yr old grand
daughter to turn it on and find out the kno*h**ds at Kirkby Times have found
out about my wife claiming incapacity benefit, despite recently winning the
fat councillors wives corporate 1k walk. Bloke who runs that website is
thick as fu**. Bast**rds, the lot of them. If I had my way I'd jail the
lot of them and torture them after I execute them. I'm big on law and
order as long as the law turns a blind eye to Councillors. As Mr Keight
used to say 'We ARE the law" He had a way with words did Mr Keight,
I really miss him in Council Chambers - but we see him all the time
so it's not too bad.
12.00pm - Decide to drive around my Ward if I can remember what one
it actually is, get lost a lot as I don't live there anymore since I bought
my swanky new house, that's two I own now, or three if I count the dodgy
deal I done for a neighbours house. I don't really walk around here as
it's not a nice place and anyway, I have a New Car, just a little run-around
- the Jaguar XKR Convertible, only cost £63,350, cheap really, paid for in
cash out of my Council Earnings and 'other' wages last year. As I'm driving
looking at the lazy scum who can't afford cars, I spot some spare land with
kids playing on it - must make a note to see if we can sell it to one of
my mates. I drive around to see the Sonae Factory - great earner for us
all that one - the mugs in Kirkby will take any crap from me and my mates
in the Council. Great place to be a Labour Councillor it is in Kirkby -
you can get away with Murder. They always vote us in no matter what we do!
As Mr Keight always used to say "We always win because we are the winners"
He was great with sayings like that, a poet laureate of the Council
Chambers we used to call him. A great man of vision he is.
2.00pm - The days hard work begins in earnest, receive a phone call
from one of my constituents, an old age pensioner being troubled by gangs
of youths. Selfish old cow starts accusing Labour of not paying her enough
pensions, I phone up Social Services to see if we can get her threw in a
Care Home. Frank Field got it right when he told these grey haired sh**
stirrers to stop moaning about pensions. I get them at my Councillors
surgeries, I wish I could do a bit of surgery on some of them alright,
I'd cut a bit more than their pensions!
4.00pm - Decide to check all my emails, damn - none again! -
apart from the porn invitations (must make a note to re-subscribe to
Councillors Wives.com) and cheap Viagra adverts. Decide to watch TV
for a couple of hours to catch up on current affairs and the cartoons.
Just watch the news headlines - something about War in Iraq - has it
started yet? Let's hope we kill them all anyway - you can never trust
anyone who isn't a freemason or one of the boys in the Council Chambers.
6.00pm - Were off out for a Pub Meal tonight - Local Landlord built an
extension without permission, so he's keeping us sweet with free meals - plus
free beer, but it's all part of the job and the service I offer. As Mr Keight
used to tell us "Serve yourself so that you may serve others". Its pure f**king
poetry that one! Magic he is Mr Keight.
8.00pm - Had a lovely meal, wife enjoyed hers, I think. She was at home.
I took my mistress out for the posh meal, I mean; a Top Councillor has got to
have a mistress right? It's part of being a high powered politician; I'm a
'hands on' type of guy. If people say I don't give a **** then I can always
tell them 'oh yes I do, every Thursday in the ****** Hotel' ha ha - Funny
that one. Almost as funny as the time I sold Windy Harbour to Liverpool FC.
Great deal that was!
10.00pm - Had to drop into a local hotel, owner has a problem with
various building regulations so I'm allowed to have use of any spare rooms
for doing the biz with my current mistress.
10.03pm - Maybe I should have bought those Viagra, apparently it makes
it last longer, but I like it quick so I can get on with my Council business.
Time is money - I don't get paid for having sex. Sometimes I have to pay for
it! But the less said about the back of TJ Hughes the better! (cough)
11.00pm - See Jim Keight down in one of the Huyton Pubs - he smiled at
me and even remembered my name! We all love Mr Keight - he's the greatest
Councillor that ever lived - knows more tricks than a prostitute who's also
a qualified magician. Great Man - Great man! - He allowed me to kiss his
hand again - Too many people around for me to give him the proper 'Knowsley
Council Kiss' right on his backside. When that Lib Dem to**er beat Mr
Keight in Council Elections it was a terrible night - but my seat is
safe as houses - they'll vote for me when they read what I do for my
constituents. I'll be a Councillor forever! May even make MP one day!
It's always been a dream of mine - £100,000 a year plus all the other
kickbacks.
11.45 pm - Trouble breaks out in the pub - Cllr Christine O Hara
arrives with her Cllr husband and an argument breaks out about who claims
the most expenses - The argument is settled when two of my colleagues,
the Kirkby Councillors Mrs and Mrs Keats arrive, and we all have a great
laugh afterwards swapping tales of how we got £50 travel expenses for
walking 10 foot and how we sold off St Kevin's School field. We decide
at some point that Mark Hagen, some Kirkby councillor, is a communist,
as he only claimed £80 expenses in a year! - I claim more than that
in a week! We better have a word with Mr Hagan; he could be a
problem if people start comparing our expenses. We must stick
together. He must claim more! Some Councillors are taking
the pi** by only claiming a small amount. As Mr Keight
would say "A penny claimed is a penny saved" Magic with
words he was.
1.00am - Feeling absolutely smashed with all the free beer -
had to undo my trousers, guts bursting with all the free grub -
think I followed through in my trousers again, just another normal
night really. Never cost a penny! - Even the Taxi Home is paid for;
someone grabbed my car keys off me again, but it's great being a
councillor. I don't even know what I am doing most of the time,
especially as I'm smashed out of my mind on free beer 7 nights a week - hic!
1.30 am - Get home - lie to her indoors and have a few
snacks before I retire, watch a video of 'Debbie Does Dallas'
(the old ones are best) then snore my head off all night.
Have a horrible nightmare about the 2004 Council Elections
- a giant 50 foot Jellyfish wearing a Lib Dem Rosette keeps
screaming 'you could lose' Scary! Made me shiver -
Brrrrrrr.
8.00 am - Wake up - very rough night at the boozer last night etc etc.
Legal Disclaimer -
The above
is simply a fictitious diary of a fictitious Kirkby/Knowsley
Councillor, Kirkby Times would never imply any of our councillors
would do anything to disgrace their privileged position. Unless we
had proof - and given the amount of blatant cheap cut price bargain
deals of the century being dished out in Knowsley by the Council
over the years - it doesn't take a professor of mathematics to
work out that we've had a bad deal and been served appallingly
by people who have sold off our very birthright. Hope you had
a laugh at this diary- remember - if you can't laugh at yourself
- Maybe you're just not a funny person. Or maybe the jokes on
you - or about you! Or above you - or beneath you!
Legal Question?- How Many Lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Legal Answer - Two….. One to screw it in and one to screw you in Court
More soon on Councillor Robin Bustard's online councillors diary and Mr Bustards Surgery - A report on
the trials and tribulations of Bustards dealings with the peasants in his surgery.
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